Madam Neoteric

by Helen Nicholson

If I dared write
I would carve my words from a rock;
scrape a line with a flint
sparking off malachite,
or smell the sulphur linger from a struck match
as I flare what I feel to the world.
I would give you cadences Cuillin-sharp
or rolling as the ocean;
line breaks dangerous as a
ravine;
assonance subtle as the dying wind.
I would write of tears and dissolve your page.
I would write of drought
and you would scrape the dust from your hands.
The tinder of my parched heart
would spark forest fires.
I would growl a word
and you would hear the thunder.

The light of consciousness
passes through the film of memory
and throws pictures on your brain.
Because of the deficient
and disordered state of your brain,
what you perceive is distorted
and colored by feelings of like and dislike.
Make your thinking orderly
and free from emotional overtones,
and you will see people and things as they are,
with clarity and charity.

~Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

“Any time something is written against me, I not only share the sentiment but feel I could do the job far better myself. Perhaps I should advise would-be enemies to send me their grievances beforehand, with full assurance that they will receive my every aid and support. I have even secretly longed to write, under a pen name, a merciless tirade against myself.”
– Jorge Luis Borges

I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved; the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. — George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans), 1819 – 1880

My Friend

My friend, I am not what I seem. Seeming is but a garment I wear — a care-woven garment that protects me from thy questionings and thee from my negligence.

The “I” in me, my friend, dwells in the house of silence, and therein it shall remain for ever more, unperceived, unapproachable.

I would not have thee believe in what I say nor trust in what I do — for my words are naught but thy own thoughts in sound and my deeds thy own hopes in action.

When thou sayest, “The wind bloweth eastward,” I say, “Aye, it doth blow eastward”; for I would not have thee know that my mind doth not dwell upon the wind but upon the sea.

Thou canst not understand my seafaring thoughts, nor would I have thee understand. I would be at sea alone.

When it is day with thee, my friend, it is night with me; yet even then I speak of the noontide that dances upon the hills and of the purple shadow that steals its way across the valley; for thou canst not hear the songs of my darkness nor see my wings beating against the stars — and I fain would not have thee hear or see. I would be with night alone.

When thou ascendest to thy Heaven I descend to my Hell — even then thou callest to me across the unbridgeable gulf, “My companion, my comrade,” and I call back to thee, “My comrade, my companion” — for I would not have thee see my Hell. The flame would burn thy eyesight and the smoke would crowd thy nostrils. And I love my Hell too well to have thee visit it. I would be in Hell alone.

Thou lovest Truth and Beauty and Righteousness; and I for thy sake say it is well and seemly to love these things. But in my heart I laugh at thy love. Yet I would not have thee see my laughter. I would laugh alone.

My friend, thou art good and cautious and wise; nay, thou art perfect — and I, too, speak with thee wisely and cautiously. And yet I am mad. But I mask my madness. I would be mad alone.

My friend, thou art not my friend, but how shall I make thee understand? My path is not thy path, yet together we walk, hand in hand.

My Friend – from: The Madman, by Kahlil Gibran

The rest of the text is well worth reading, but this… this caught my attention the most out of all of it, for isn’t it true that, ultimately, no matter how anyone else may think they know us, or how much we love them, we are, ultimately, strangers to each other?

And so often… I am attracted to my opposite.

Excerpt from L. MacDonald / S. McSkimming GODS OF THE CELTS 1992

AINE

With the Goddess Aine we wander into the realms of the unfettered powers of Femininity. The Goddess Aine was one of the female deities that suffered from repression at the hands of the Christian monks. In Ireland around 500 BC it is fairly well attested that several sites in Munster and Connaught were dedicated to the worship of Aine. Her popularity even spread to the Western Isles of Scotland. Some accounts give her as the daughter of Manannan Mac Llyr, God of the hidden paths in the realms of the western ocean, while others say that she was no other than the great Morrigu herself. In my personal opinion the latter fits easiest in instinctive feeling.

We can see Aine in triple aspect in the powers attributed to her. Firstly as the Maiden in her ability to reward her devotees with the gift of poetry or with unfortunate madness. There is a stone (Cathair Aine) that belonged to Aine high on her mountain, Cnoc Aine, which could bestow either poetry to the worthy or madness to those she rejected. Also, it was said that all the mad dogs in Ireland would congregate around this stone. It is not hard with her connection with poetry and hounds to see her Maiden aspects to be those of the Goddess Bride, who in the form of a Maiden was the muse of poetry and had the name Cu Gorm (grey hound).

Next, as a Mother deity Aine is associated with lakes and wells with great powers of healing. Tobar-Na-Aine (Well of Aine) was credited with life-restoring powers. Also, in the Irish legends we find in her son Earl an archetype of Lancelot in the later Arthurian legends, while Aine herself is the Lady of the Lake.

She is in several tales strongly associated with the Yew tree which shows her as a Goddess of Life and Death. In all her aspects it is clearly shown that Aine was no deity to offend, for in spite of all her beneficent attributes, if crossed she could have coined the phrase “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. There are many tales of her revenge and her infinite patience in its pursuit. In one story she was offended by an Irish High King whereupon she caused a great battle to ensue in which he was killed. It was said that at his death her mocking laughter could be heard over the din of battle. The attribute of Aine which made her a great enemy of the early Church was undoubtedly her sexuality. If ever a Goddess was depicted as the Arch Rival of the institute of matrimony then it was surely Aine, whose promiscuity and freedom of spirit could not be encompassed by man, thus a threat to the self denial of chastity of these womanless monks.

Finally, in her third aspect of the dark Goddess, she has the ability to appear to mortal men as a woman of great beauty known as the leannan sidhe, which means “Fairy Lover”. In this form her chosen subject would be totally spellbound into what could only be described as a fatal attraction, as the outcome was almost certain to result in the death of the chosen one.

This belief in fairy lovers still persists today among the more remote places of Celtic countries. It is said that a certain sign of this occurence could be seen in the nocturnal emissions of young men known as wet dreams. If steps were not taken to protect the victim they would lose the will to live and so die in a wave of ecstasy. It can also be seen where Graham Stoker drew some of his ideas from on the nature of vampires. He wrote his book Count Dracula while staying in his castle in the Scottsh Highlands where belief in lovers from the land of the Dead were commonplace at that time. Of course I should like to point out that the reason for these phantom lovers killing the loved one was so that they could be together in the Otherworld realms and this was not restricted to the male gender as fairy lovers could also be males. How would you feel, I wonder, if the male warriors among you found yourselves being smiled at by a beautiful woman dressed in green garments with eyes as green as emeralds and hair as red as blood.

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Interesting, but seems like a lot of supposition and conjecture, not unlike fairytales.

Excerpt from Celtic Folklore: The People of the Mounds
Articles on the Sidhe
by L. MacDonald DALRIADA MAGAZINE 1993

FAIRY QUEENS OF IRELAND
There are many great fairy queens that are remembered in Irish folk tales. They are known as ‘bean righean na brugh’, the fairy queen of the palace, and are quite clearly the tutelary goddesses of local tribes. Many are still said to be the guardians of certain Irish clans.

Three miles south west of Lough Gur is Cnoc Aine, or Knockainy, the hill of Aine, one of the most important fairy queens of Munster. Also on the shores of the lake is Cnoc Finnine, of the goddess Fennel, the sister of Aine.

Many of the sidhe folk have encounters or relationships with mortals. The Earl of Desmond once saw Aine combing her hair on the bank of a river. He fell in love with her and seizing her cloak made her his wife. The offspring of this union was Aine’s enchanted son Geroid Iarla, who lives under the lake awaiting his return to the world of men. Once every seven years he emerges from the water as a phantom riding on a white horse.

Aine is revered throughout Ireland. In Co. Derry locals say she was a mortal woman who was ‘taken’ by the fairies; the local family O’Corra are said to be descended from Aine. In Co. Louth Aine’s stronghold is at Dunany point (Dun Aine). Every year three days are dedicated to her, the first Friday, Saturday and Sunday after Lammas; it was said that she would claim a life on those days.

It is at Cnoc Aine in Co. Limerick where Aine is most well remembered as a great queen. Every year on St. John’s Eve (24 June) local people would form a procession around the hill, then carry flaming torches through the fields of ripening crops. Aine herself was seen on many occasions leading the procession.

The fairy queen of the north of Munster is Aoibheal; she is the ancestral deity of the O’Briens, (the descendants of Brian Boru) who rules from Craig Liath (grey rock) in Co. Clare. At the great battle of Clontarf, Aoibheal had fore-knowledge of the outcome and tried to warn her people. Aoibheal is revered in many of the ‘Aislings’, the vision poems of the eighteenth century concerning the future freedom of Ireland.

Cliodna is loved and cherished by the people of Co. Cork, where a number of place names are associated with her. She is the guardian goddess of the O’Keefes, and said to be the eldest daughter of the last Druid of Ireland. One of the three great waves mentioned in Irish mythology is Tonn Cliodna, the wave of Cliodna, off the coast at Glandore, Co. Cork. A legend tells of Ciabhan of the Curling Locks who took Cliodna out of the lands of Manannan and brought her to the shores of Ireland in his curragh. He left Cliodna alone on the shore while he went off to hunt deer; while he was gone Manannan sent a huge wave over the strand and Cliodna was drowned.

In the north east of Leinster the fairy queen Grian of the Bright Cheeks has her abode on Cnoc Greine. The sidhe mound of her father was attacked once by the five sons of Conall. Grian pursued them and in revenge she transformed them into badgers. In the Irish sagas Grania eloped with Diarmaid, and all over Ireland there are cairns and cromlechs known locally as ‘the bed of Diarmaid and Grania’. In Co. Tipperary, east of loch Derg, lies Knockshegouna, the fairy hill of Una. Una is the wife of the fairy king Finnbheara of Cnoc Meadha; she is a somewhat elusive figure, but nevertheless her sidhe dwelling was a very important place in former times, and she is still remembered by local people.

Excerpt from The Fairy Faith in Celtic Countries by W.Y. Evans-Wentz

EVIDENCE FROM LOUGH GUR, COUNTY LIMERICK

One of the most interesting parts of Ireland for the archaeologist and for the folk-lorist alike is the territory immediately surrounding Lough Gur, County Limerick. Shut in for the most part from the outer world by a circle of low-lying hills on whose summits fairy goddesses yet dwell invisibly, this region, famous for its numerous and well-preserved cromlechs, dolmens, menhirs, and tumuli, and for the rare folk-traditions current among its peasantry, has long been popularly regarded as a sort of Otherworld preserve haunted by fairy beings, who dwell both in its waters and on its land.

There seems to be no reasonable doubt that in pre-Christian times the Lough Gur country was a very sacred spot, a mystic centre for pilgrimages and for the celebration of Celtic religious rites, including those of initiation. The Lough is still enchanted, but once in seven years the spell passes off it, and it then appears like dry land to any one that is fortunate enough to behold it. At such a time of disenchantment a Tree is seen growing up through the lake-bottom–a Tree like the strange World-Tree of Scandinavian myth. The Tree is covered with a Green Cloth, and under it sits the lake’s guardian, a woman knitting. 1 The peasantry about Lough Gur still believe that beneath its waters there is one of the chief entrances in Ireland to Tir-na-nog, the ‘Land of Youth’, the Fairy Realm. And when a child is stolen by the Munster fairies, ‘Lough Gur is conjectured to be the place of its unearthly transmutation from the human to the fairy state.’ 1

p. 79

To my friend, Count John de Salis, of Balliol College, I am indebted for the following legendary material, collected by him on the fairy-haunted Lough Gur estate, his ancestral home, and annotated by the Rev. J. F. Lynch, one of the best-informed antiquarians living in that part of South Ireland.

The Fairy Goddesses, Aine–and Fennel (or Finnen).–’There are two hills near Lough Gur upon whose summits sacrifices and sacred rites used to be celebrated according to living tradition. One, about three miles south-west of the lake, is called Knock Aine, Aine or Ane being the name of an ancient Irish goddess, derived from an, “bright.” The other, the highest hill on the lake-shores, is called Knock Fennel or Hill of the Goddess Fennel, from Finnen or Finnine or Fininne, a form of fin, “white.” The peasantry of the region call Aine one of the Good People; 1 and they say that

p. 80

[paragraph continues] Fennel (apparently her sister goddess or a variant of herself) lived on the top of Knock Fennel’ (termed Finnen in a State Paper dated 1200).

The Fairy Boat-Race.–’Different old peasants have told me that on clear calm moonlight nights in summer, fairy boats appear racing across Lough Gur. The boats come from the eastern side of the lake, and when they have arrived at Garrod Island, where the Desmond Castle lies in ruins, they vanish behind Knock Adoon. There are four of these phantom boats, and in each there are two men rowing and a woman steering. No sound is heard, though the seer can see the weird silvery splash of the oars and the churning of the water at the bows of the boats as they shoot along. It is evident that they are racing, because one boat gets ahead of the others, and all the rowers can be seen straining at the oars. Boats and occupants seem to be transparent, and you

p. 81

cannot see exactly what their nature is. One old peasant told me that it is the shining brightness of the clothes on the phantom rowers and on the women who steer which makes them visible.

‘Another man, who is about forty years of age, and as far as I know of good habits, assures me that he also has seen this fairy boat-race, and that it can still be seen at the proper season.’

The Bean-Tighe. 1–’The Bean-tighe, the fairy housekeeper of the enchanted submerged castle of the Earl of Desmond, is supposed to appear sitting on art ancient earthen monument shaped like a great chair and hence called Suidheachan, the “Housekeeper’s Little Seat,” on Knock Adoon (Hill of the Fort), which juts out into the Lough. The Bean-tighe, as I have heard an old peasant tell the tale, was once asleep on her Seat, when the Buachailleen 2 or “Little Herd Boy”

p. 82

stole her golden comb. When the Bean-tighe awoke and saw what had happened, she cast a curse upon the cattle of the Buachailleen, and soon all of them were dead, and then the “Little Herd Boy” himself died, but before his death he ordered the golden comb to be cast into the Lough.’ 1

Lough Gur Fairies in General.–’The peasantry in the Lough Gur region commonly speak of the Good People or of the Kind People or of the Little People, their names for the fairies. The leprechaun indicates the place where hidden treasure is to be found. If the person to whom he reveals such a secret makes it known to a second person, the first person dies, or else no money is found: in some cases the money is changed into ivy leaves or into furze blossoms.

‘I am convinced that some of the older peasants still believe in fairies. I used to go out on the lake occasionally on moonlight nights, and an old woman supposed to be a “wise woman” (a Seeress), hearing about my doing this, told me that under no circumstances should I continue the practice, for fear of “Them People” (the fairies). One evening in particular I was warned by her not to venture on the lake. She solemnly asserted that the “Powers of Darkness” were then abroad, and that it would be misfortune for me to be in their path. 2

‘Under ordinary circumstances, as a very close observer of the Lough Gur peasantry informs me, the old people will

p. 83

pray to the Saints, but if by any chance such prayers remain unanswered they then invoke other powers, the fairies, the goddesses Aine and Fennel, or other pagan deities, whom they seem to remember in a vague subconscious manner through tradition.’

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Footnotes:

78:1 Cf. David Fitzgerald, Popular Tales of Ireland, in Rev. Celt., iv. 185-92; and All the Year Round, New Series, iii. ‘This woman guardian of the lake is called Toice Bhrean, “untidy” or “lazy wench”. According to a local legend, she is said to have been originally the guardian of the sacred well, from which, owing to her neglect, Lough Gur issued; and in this role she corresponds to Liban, daughter of Eochaidh Finn, the guardian of the sacred well from which issued Lough Neagh, according to the Dinnshenchas and the tale of Eochaidh MacMairido.’–J. F. LYNCH.

79:1 It was on the bank of the little river Camóg, which flows near Lough Gur, that the Earl of Desmond one day saw Aine as she sat there combing her hair. Overcome with love for the fairy-goddess, he gained control over her through seizing her cloak, and made her his wife. From this union was born the enchanted son Geróid Iarla, even as Galahad was born to Lancelot by the Lady of the Lake. When Geróid had grown into young manhood, in order to surpass a woman he leaped right into a bottle and right out again, and this happened in the midst of a banquet in his father’s castle. His father, the earl, had been put under taboo by Aine never to show surprise at anything her magician son might do, but now the taboo was forgotten, and hence broken, amid so unusual a performance; and immediately Geróid left the feasting and went to the lake. As soon as its water touched him he assumed the form of a goose, and he went swimming over the surface of the Lough, and disappeared on Garrod Island.

According to one legend, Aine, like the Breton Morgan, may sometimes be seen combing her hair, only half her body appearing above the lake. And in times of calmness and clear water, according to another legend, one may behold beneath Aine’s lake the lost enchanted castle of her son Geróid, close to Garrod Island–so named from Geróid or ‘Gerald’.

Geróid lives there in the under-lake world to this day, awaiting the time of his normal return to the world of men (see our chapter on re-birth, p. 386). But once in every seven years, on clear moonlight nights, he emerges temporarily, when the Lough Gur peasantry see him as a phantom mounted on a phantom white horse, leading a phantom or fairy cavalcade across the lake and land. A well-attested case of such an apparitional appearance of the earl has been recorded by Miss Anne Baily, the percipient having been Teigue O’Neill, an old blacksmith whom she knew (see All the Year Round, New Series, iii. 495-6, London, 1870). And Moll p. 80 Riall, a young woman also known to Miss Baily, saw the phantom earl by himself, under very weird circumstances, by day, as she stood at the margin of the lake washing clothes (ib., p. 496).

Some say that Aine’s true dwelling-place is in her hill; upon which on every St. John’s Night the peasantry used to gather from all the immediate neighbourhood to view the moon (for Aine seems to have been a moon goddess, like Diana), and then with torches (clíars) made of bunches of straw and hay tied on poles used to march in procession from the hill and afterwards run through cultivated fields and amongst the cattle. The underlying purpose of this latter ceremony probably was–as is the case in the Isle of Man and in Brittany (see pp. 124 n., 273), where corresponding fire-ceremonies surviving from an ancient agricultural cult are still celebrated–to exorcise the land from all evil spirits and witches in order that there may be good harvests and rich increase of flocks. Sometimes on such occasions the goddess herself has been seen leading the sacred procession (cf. the Bacchus cult among the ancient Greeks, who believed that the god himself led his worshippers in their sacred torch-light procession at night, he being like Aine in this respect, more or less connected with fertility in nature). One night some girls staying on the bill late were made to look through a magic ring by Aine, and lo the hill was crowded with the folk of the fairy goddess who before had been invisible. The peasants always said that Aine is ‘the best-hearted woman that ever lived’ (cf. David Fitzgerald, Popular Tales of Ireland, in Rev. Celt., iv. 185–92).

In Silva Gadelica (ii. 347-8), Aine is a daughter of Eogabal, a king of the Tuatha De Danann, and her abode is within the sidh, named on her account ‘Aine cliach, now Cnoc Aine, or Knockany’. In another passage we read that Manannan took Aine as his wife (ib., ii. 197). Also see in Silva Gadelica, ii, pp. 225, 576.

81:1 ‘In some local tales the Bean-tighe, or Bean a’tighe is termed Beansidhe (Banshee), and Bean Chaointe, or “wailing woman “, and is identified with Aine. In an elegy by Ferriter on one of the Fitzgeralds, we read:–

Aine from her closely bid nest did awake,
The woman of wailing from Gur’s voicy lake,

‘Thomas O’Connellan, the great minstrel bard, some of whose compositions are given by Hardiman, died at Lough Gur Castle about 1700, and was buried at New Church beside the lake. It is locally believed that Aine stood on a rock of Knock Moon and “keened” O’Connellan whilst the funeral procession was passing from the castle to the place of burial.’–J. F. LYNCH.

A Banshee was traditionally attached to the Baily family of Lough Gur; and one night at dead of night, when Miss Kitty Baily was dying of consumption, her two sisters, Miss Anne Baily and Miss Susan Baily, who were sitting in the death chamber, ‘heard such sweet and melancholy music as they had never heard before. It seemed to them like distant cathedral music … The music was not in the house … It seemed to come through the windows of the old castle, high in the air.’ But when Miss Anne, who went downstairs with a lighted candle to investigate the weird phenomenon, had approached the ruined castle she thought the music came from above the house; ‘and thus perplexed, and at last frightened, she returned.’ Both sisters are on record as having distinctly heard the fairy music, and for a long time (All the Year Round, New Series, iii. 496–7; London, 1870).

81:2 The Buachailleen is most likely one of the many forms assumed by the shape-shifting Fer Fi, the Lough Gur Dwarf, who at Tara, according to the Dinnshenchas of Tuag Inbir (see Folk-Lore, iii; and A. Nutt, Voyage of Bran, i. 195 ff.), took the shape of a woman; and we may trace the tales p. 82 of Geróid Iarla to Fer Fi, who, and not Geróid, is believed by the oldest of the Lough Gur peasantry to be the owner of the lake. Fer Fi is the son of Eogabal of Sidh Eogabail, and hence brother to Aine. He is also foster son of Manannan Mac Lir, and a Druid of the Tuatha De Danann (cf. Silva Gadelica, ii. 225; also Dinnshenchas of Tuag Inbir). At Lough Gur various tales are told by the peasants concerning the Dwarf, and he is still stated by them to be the brother of Aine. For the sake of experiment I once spoke very disrespectfully of the Dwarf to John Punch, an old man, and he said to me in a frightened whisper: “Whisht! he’ll hear you.” Edward Fitzgerald and other old men were very much afraid of the Dwarf.’–J. F. LYNCH.

82:1 ‘Compare the tale of Excalibur, the Sword of King Arthur, which King Arthur before his death ordered Sir Bedivere to cast into the lake whence it had come. ‘–J. F. LYNCH.

82:2 ‘It is commonly believed by young and old at Lough Gur that a human being is drowned in the Lake once every seven years, and that it is the Bean Fhionn, or “White Lady” who thus takes the person.’–J. F. LYNCH.

Excerpt from The Encyclopedia of the Celts by Knud Mariboe
AINE

(aw-ne) A love-goddess, daughter of the Danaan Owel; Ailill Olum and Fitzgerald her lovers; mother of Earl Gerald; still worshiped on Midsummer Eve; appears on St. John’s Night, among girls on the Hill. # 454: A goddess who seems to have functioned as a type of Sovereignty in south west Ireland. She gave her name to a sidhe dwelling in Munster, Cnoc Aine. She is variously described as the wife or daughter of Manannan mac Lir. – Later folk tradition tells of Gearoid Iarla (Earl Gerald of Desmond, 1338-98) who encountered Aine bathing in a river and raped her. The first earl of Desmond was called ‘Aine’s king’ and Gerald himself ‘the son of fair Aine’s knight’. Gerald was said to have disappeared in the form of a goose, after a lifetime building up his reputation as a magician. This legend shows how active the myth of Sovereignty was persisting right into the medieval era. # 100 – 454 – 505 – 548 – 562

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The original Encyclopedia is no longer online at celt.net, and this appears to be a mirror but with some broken links (the footnotes on entries, for example, are not linked to the sources). It’s a shame the original is no longer online, it was a wonderful source of info and a treasure to mine the sources for more info.

This entry, however, is pretty simplistic and lacking in many details, and could have used some further research and additions. I think the original author may be deceased, so no more updates to the Encyclopedia are taking place. I’d like to see some nonprofit group get access to the original files and have the ability to fill in the encyclopedia with more detailed entries… that would be the ideal.

Excerpt from A GLOSSARY OF GODS Part One by Michael Atkinson

Aine Treidhe Dian Ainm Taulac, Fan, Mollac “Circle, Triple Goddess of name, Taulac, Fan, Mollac.” The Creator, Preserver and Destroyer. Fan may be related to the Coptic Pheneh, meaning Eternal, and possibly related to the Phoenix. She is said to be “First born, begotten by the spirits of Fire and Night.” Folklore associates her with Cnoc Aine in Co. Limerick, Aoibheall of Craig Liath in Co. Glare and Cliodna of Carraig Cliodna in Co. Cork where she is known as the Queen of Faerie. She has magic peas that grow overnight and supply enough food for weeks. Aine is the Goddess/mate of Lugh lam fada.

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No sources are listed for this info, however I can see the symbollic connection to Lugh, i.e.- both being emanations, avatars, or spiritual representatives of solar deity. This is the first mention of “magic peas” I’ve seen, and I find that amusing. This appears to be some sort of neopagan document, much of the info is unsourced, so (like much that is online) should probably be taken with a grain of salt until otherwise confirmed from primary sources. Drawing connections to the Phoenix is stretching things out of context quite a bit!

Most of the online sources for information about Áine are retellings of retellings, and most get it wrong, it seems. They mostly confuse the relationship of Áine and Manannán, God of the Sea, though the oldest sources seem to get it right.

This entry is interesting, though, because of the additional names given… something more to research for me.